I'm going to kill myself. But before you run and get a shrink, hear me out. Not physically, but metaphorically.
The last few years of my life, I've changed. Some good, some bad. But it's the bad that's gotten me the most attention. When I was younger, I wasn't the "cool guy." Ever. I was mercilessly tormented by my peers, and while that's no excuse to what I've become, it's just part of my story. In recent years, I've set goals for myself. I wanted to be a musician again. I am. I've wanted to be a tattoo artist. I am. And now that I've attained those goals, I really haven't thought much past them. What do I want for myself in 5 years? Wife? Kids? Sure, maybe. But I honestly haven't thought much about what happens next. That was my first mistake. And to make matters worse, I got arrogant ad conceited with the fact that I got where I want to be. It's hard for others to appreciate your had work when you're constantly making them aware of it. I didn't purposely do this, but I guess I became jaded with it all.
Everyone tells me about how much of a nice guy I used to be. Always polite, sweet, helpful. But these days I'm a bitter, careless thoughtless asshole. And why? I'm not quite sure. I've been lied to, cheated on, stolen from, treated like shit, left out in the cold and forgotten about. Usually life experiences such as these will make a person appreciate life more, but in turn, it turned me into someone who lies, cheats, steals and works the system to make myself more gainful, all the while leaving behind the people I most care about. I'm a stubborn person, always prideful. I cringe at the thought of asking for help. I believe if you can't do it yourself, it shouldn't be done. In some ways, that's a good way to live. It can keep you motivated and focused. But in other ways, it's just foolish. And I'm a fool.
The last 3 years or so have proven to be a 180 degree turnaround for me. I've grown cocky, obnoxious and self-centered. I have a hard time realizing my own faults, and when someone tried to point them out to me, I tend to buck back at them, and point the finger back, usually dredging up some past incident that's unrelated to the situation at hand, to make myself look better, or less wrong. It's a character flaw that's been going far too long, and I need to stop it. Only one person has really bothered to point out my flaws, not to try to damn me for what I am, but to try to encourage me to be what I should be. And it was this person that I hurt the most, and I lost her for good. Most of you know who I'm talking about, but I'm going to put anyone's name in this.
I've discovered that the last few years, I've been willing to give up having a few great friends to have to company of many superficial friends. Friends whom, in a year's time, I probably won't speak to anymore, friends who'll just be a nod on the sidewalk. I'm going about my life all wrong. I don't know why I was so stupid as to not see it before. I've grown wrapped up in what I was doing, and not seeing the things I should have.
I'm tired of being popular. I'm tired of my phone contantly ringing. I'm tired of having 25 new comments every time I get on Facebook. I'm tired of people texting me until all hours of the night, over things that don't really matter. I'm sick of being distracted by shallow girls who only talk to me because I'm in a band, or because I'm a tattoo artist. I want to get my focus back, and I need to figure out how. As I said before, the people who have distracted me won't read this, because they're already gone. I'm going back to how everyone knows me. I'm sick of maintaining a facade only to have it cause me more problems. Being an asshole isn't how I was raised. I was brought up to be respectful, polite and courteous.
For the people who've been affected by how I've acted the last few years, I'm so sorry. Today has proven to be an epiphany for me. To the people I've hurt in my wake, I promise I'll make it up to you one day. To the friends I've lost, I hope one day we can be cool again. I love all of you, in one way or another, haha.
So ends my "suicide note." Please know that I'm not actually going to kill myself. I'm just going to end the life I'm leading now. If I don't, it could be disastrous. Here's my beginning anew.
As of lately, my life has been a huge blur of 89 cent burritos, broken down cars, tattoos and punk rock shows. So basically, nothing has REALLY changed, there's just been more of it. I've given Taco Bell another chance (well, at least 3 dozen of them) since that night months ago that I spoke about. They've seemingly created something so delicious that I simply cannot stay away. The 89 cent Five Layer Burrito. Taco Bell, you're a bitch of a temptress.
My car broke down the other day. Apparently alternators DON'T last forever. Ha. It was fun trying to push my car into an apartment complex parking lot, at 3am, drunk. I wasn't driving, my girlfriend was. I actually wasn't even in the car with her. She called me 3 blocks from my house, saying it wouldn't start. So I hopped on my bicycle (a task to ride while inebriated.) My poor Saturn.
I got a text message from a good friend of mine in Atlanta the other night. It was rather unexpected, because I really don't get to talk to her much, our schedules don't really permit a lot of long distance chit-chat. She's getting married in September, and she politely asked if I'd be in her wedding. "Of course," I said. Then I found out my role. I'm going to be a BridesMAN. Not Maid. MAN. I personally think this idea is absolutely brilliant. Leave it to her to come up with such a concept. I'm rather excited about this. I get to go hang out in Atlanta, party it up, then stand on the opposite side of where I normally stand during a wedding. Epic. I can't wait until September.
As many of you know, I'm a tech nerd, of the Mobile flavor. I try to stay on top of current technology, weighing pros and cons of late model devices. Well, at least for now, that has come to an end. The contract plan I was on with my Android is now gone, and my credit is absolutely terrible. So now I'm stuck with a (blech) Boost Mobile phone, Motorola Model i290. I'm hating every minute of this thing. What's worse is that the Google Nexus One was released on January 5th, and I can't get one.
I've got to get back to work now. I'll keep up with this thing. Life is settling down some.
I hate Christmas.
I went downtown tonight to hang out with a few friends. Typically I'm not ready to call it a night right after work, so it's nice to have friends who enjoy the night life. After the normal going-ons of my favorite pizza establishment, I offered a friend a ride home and said my goodbyes for the evening. After dropping my buddy off, I noticed a familiar sensation in my abdomen. Hunger. I was hungry, so I checked the time. Sweet. About twenty minutes until Taco Bell closes. I'm no more than ten minutes away, so I silently make my decision and make way to the 'Bell. I arrive at 2:53am. The advertised closing time was 3am for this particular location, and the "Drive Thru Open" sign shone brightly. I smile at my success, and promptly stop myself in front of the drive-up menu board. Two bean burritos. I knew my order long before I arrived, primarily due to the $2.24 I have in my cupholder. I sit patiently, waiting for a greeting of welcome and promotion. I'm greeted by silence. It's 6 minutes to close, surely they're not already closed, being as they were the only fast-food establishment still open. "Maybe it's broken," I think to myself, and smoothly cruise to the window. I sit for just a moment, and a smug looking woman sporting a blue shirt walks by, sees me, and smartly motions me with four fingers, placed flat, waved horizontally across the neck. They were closed. I peered inside the window, only to see that even their clock agreed with me. It read 2:57. I'm rather irritated at this point. All I request is TWO bean burritos, perhaps only the simplest menu item to conjure, and instead I get a rude hand motion and a foul stare? Tortilla, Beans, Cheese, Red Sauce. The least I could have been provided was a personal apology at the window. To hell, I say. White Collar Taco Bell frowns upon poor customer service. This I know quite well. I look up to see the location number so that I may inform the hotline representatives of this incident, and just as I'm looking up once more, I see the aforementioned blue shirt wearer and another associate making hustle toward the pick-up window. They didn't look as if our conversation would be polite, and at this point, I no longer wanted my simple dinner, as I know an added biological ingredient was likely. I pulled away, dialing the Taco Bell customer hotline, only to receive denial and a recorded message. I plan on calling during normal business hours, and laying a thick complaint about Store #2455. I eventually opted for two gas station hot dogs, with spicy mustard and relish. The girl at the register smiled when she told me my total was $2.12, and honestly, I think it all worked out for the better. I'm rather have a hot dog with a good aura, than a burrito with negative energy. I'm really tired now. I think sleep is in order. Thankfully I can get that whenever I want, and I don't have to deal with minimum wage workers to do it. Goodnight.
Follow me on Twitter! Twitter.com/TicTacXRV
So I've officially vacated my previous apartment, a place I've called home for about two and a half years (for a more in depth story, read my previous post entitled "This is very unprofessional.") It really didn't take long to move all my worldly belongings, partly due to the fact that several things were stolen from my apartment about a week or so ago. I've found temporary residence at my boss and mentor's house, specifically in the dining room, but there are no complaints, I feel so appreciative to know that people care about me enough to offer to keep me out of the rain. Not to discount my parents, they've always been there for me, but they have a house full of kids and friends, and honestly, I'm not sure if I could handle the chaos of three toddlers climbing on me. I'm not a huge fan of kids, and I get irritated easily at misbehaved children. Other than that, I hate calling upon parents and family to take me in, so I opt to handle living situations myself. I have pride issues, and I really hate being anyone's burden.
Being without a motorized mode of transportation, especially being as auto-centric as myself, has been driving me crazy, and I've only been without for roughly two weeks. I have my bicycle, but that thing is a beast to ride (20 inch MirraCo FiveStar Park + Hills = Difficulty walking and breathing.) Once again, thanks to my wonderful friends, this time namely Matt, has offered to give me one of his cars. I'm really batting .1000 in the luck department. I always try to be good to people, mainly to keep bridges up, and also because nobody likes being treated badly. My mother raised me right.
A good friend of mine, whom I've tattooed in the past, called me up this past week, asking for my services again. I had done a piece on his leg, a pizza cut into the shape of a pentagram.
Finally, the last order of business. I received my invitation to Google Wave last night, and I started using it today. This thing is slick. I'd been reading up on it's development, and keeping up with features, and overall I've been very excited about it's release. I even anxiously awaited an invite, like I'm sure millions of other are right now. Google pushed out roughly 100,000 invites over the past 2 weeks, so I feel very privileged to have gotten mine now. The UI is clean, and very user friendly, the features are smooth, although some main functions still lack, such as the drag-and-drop file transfers. In basic text chatting, you can view the other user's responses in real-time, as they type. It's entertaining to watch, actually. Overall, it's pretty good for a beta form, and it seems fairly stable. I can't wait for new versions. The only real downside right now is the lack of users. With only 100,000 or so users, it's difficult to find friends or family who have accounts. The first Wave I sent was to a record producer in New York, whom I found on Twitter. I've contacted numerous friends, and none of them have received invites. I think once more people are able to use it, social networking will be a thing of the past. Google has already crushed two main aspects of internet use; Email and Searching. Now, with Wave, I believe it's going to effectively destroy Myspace, Facebook, and the like. Now, if Wave could only be used via mobile apps. For the time being at least, Wave is Browser-Only. Come on, Google, Wave app for Android? You know you want to. I'm done.
Add me on Google Wave! TicTacXRV@googlewave.com
Follow me on Twitter! Twitter.com/TicTacXRV
Tonight I'm saying goodbye to the apartment that I've called home for almost 2 1/2 years. It's a somber night, spent partially by myself sharing time with two 40 oz. bottles of Icehouse in an attempt to hide the emotion this night brings (no intended disrespect to my lovely girlfriend Kandyce). Many memorable moments have occurred under this roof, many a time that I will talk of for years to come. My roommate Justin and I have shared more than an eon's worth of intellectual thought, of life and more. I'm sad to leave this place, a place of marked drywall and past tense debauchery. I've experienced my weight in conversation, debate, musical history and copious drug use. I'm not ashamed of what's been done, I use it as a stepping stone to what I will one day become. Many a friend has come and gone through our simple, crudely spray-painted wooden door, but one thing remains the same. Friendship that will remain unshared, even if he and I never spoke another word to one another. Our less than ideal rendezvous lead to something I never would have expected. Much apologies for my Simple Plan shirt. That's just how I roll, and I swear I never did anything with your ex-fiance, haha. (I'm sorry bro, I'm totally hammered, but every word was from the heart. J. Pizzle and A. Rizzle should get M. Izzled. Thank you man. Oh, I totally spray painted the ceiling. Fuck it.) R.I.P. 3206. Thanks, dawg.
I just want to say thank you. I'll be back in a little while. I have some things I want to get off my chest, to include a little more iPhone bashing.
This update made me laugh, though. Rumors ran wild that G1 users couldn't receive Donut because of the G1's lack of internal memory. It even went as far as saying that G1 users would be left out in the cold for future updates in general. This was simply not the case at all. In fact, after downloading Donut, I had about 4mb MORE free space than with Cupcake 1.5. I love when speculation is totally wrong. I found it odd that 1.6 was JUST released, and there are already apps in the Android Market that are Eclair 2.0 ready. Are developers already trickling out 2.0 SDK versions? Is 2.0 not far behind 1.6? I hope so. With the improvements in Donut, I really look forward to Eclair (2.0). Any Android developers out there have any inside information? Since Cyanogen was served with a C&D from Google, the future isn't looking good for custom ROMs with full functionality. Maybe 2.0 will have an 'applications to SD' built in, so general Android users won't have to root their devices to take advantage of this. And since the release of 1.6 (and hopefully, soon, 2.0), how much more difficult will gaining root access be? Only time will tell, I suppose. Sorry Blackberry and iPhone friends, this post wasn't for you.
On an off-topic note: Someone broke into my apartment this weekend, stole my computer monitor and my ENTIRE movie collection. What kind of inconsiderate asshole steals just a monitor? What are you trying to do? Inconvenience me? I'm sorry, I don't like to be profane in my blogs, but this really angers me. Either this person is a fucking retard, or it's someone I know, and they know I'm smart enough to keep serial numbers written down. I never bothered with my monitor, because frankly, the monitor isn't great. But I could track my CPU, especially at a pawn shop. They left my guitars alone, my TV, the DVD player in my closet. They only took my box of movies and my monitor. They effectively took away all of my entertainment. I can't access my MP3 collection now, can't watch a movie, can't get online at home. They got me good. I hope I never find out who it is, because there's a good chance I'll probably hurt them. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deprives me of my music and film.
I'm sorry guys, I had to vent, and I didn't find it necessary to post twice.
Follow me on Twitter if ya'd like:
I'm a tech junkie. I always have to get the newest, most advanced things. I'm waiting on invites to both Google Voice, and Google Wave. Why? I don't really know. They're trickling out invites slowly. Nobody I know uses Wave, only a handful even have Voice. But I feel the need to have these things. It's something of a fulfillment issue. I hate being left out. The last to know is not where I want to be. Granted, new things are always fun and exciting, especially electronic things. I've grown to love communication. I have 6 social network accounts, 9 instant messenger accounts, 4 email accounts, a mobdev, a computer, a messenger pigeon, and a friend that works at UPS. I like being in contact. My girlfriend doesn't understand. She hates the fact that I'm always emailing someone, or that my phone is constantly getting text messages and calls. I don't do it to ignore her, as she often believes. I just have a desire to keep in touch with friends. I've always been an ultra social person, I usually run with a posse (ha). I have an immense group of friends, and I've met pretty much everyone I can meet in this city (ha). I don't find this to be a bad thing, though. Being a musician, it's nice to see people at my band's shows. As a tattooist, it's nice to have customers. So in my lifestyle, being very social is a benefit. I guess you can't understand unless you're living it. I really need to stop going off topic like this. Gimme Wave! Gimme Voice! And once again, developers, Build us a Blogger App! One false move in GMail, and I lose everything I've written. Please? Sugar on top? Thanks.
I love social networking. A quick, concise way to keep friends and ex-coworkers at arm's length. There's no better way to keep track of how much better you're doing than checking out someone's profile, in my opinion. In the last few years, I've wondered how well people from my old group of high school friends were doing. I went to high school in Coffee County, Georgia. Not much there, aside from chicken farms and dirt roads. There's also not much place to better yourself there, so I didn't expect much from my peers. To my surprised, several of my old friends are doing quite well for themselves. One is living in Atlanta, working as a graphic designer, one is a piercer in Florida, etc. It's good to know they made something of their lives. Not everyone has done so well. Several are now mobile home residents, with a cornucopia of children (I really like the word 'cornucopia').
Back to the topic of social networking. In the last ten years, numerous sites and services have allowed us to rekindle relationships once thought lost. Myspace, Facebook, the ever popular Twitter. All three of which I have accounts with. There are tons more, such as Hi5, Stickam, Xanga. The list goes on. But what I don't understand, other than just pure competition to have the next big thing, is this: Why do we have so many, when they all do pretty much the same thing? You search for people, add them to a list, and then you watch their lives unfold. Why is Facebook now so much more popular than Myspace? Five years ago, it seemed as if Myspace would never die, and today, everyone tells you to add them on Facebook, and they almost insult you for still using Myspace. Social Networking Elitists, it seems. I guess it's just a matter of "out with the old, in with the new," even though Facebook has always been Myspace's bastard cousin. Does anyone remember when Facebook was exclusively for college students and Alumni? Myspace has one foot in the grave, Facebook has a shovel. Too bad we can't process old social networks into crude oil like a fossil fuel. I want a Vampire Freaks powered car. Let's bring back webrings. Who's with me?!
R.I.P. Myspace (1999-soon)