The End of Everything That You Know About Me.

First of all, I'd like to say, if you're reading this, then this really doesn't apply to you, except maybe to tell you I'm sorry, or give you some insight. I've deleted all the people who've been proven a distraction to me the last few years, and this is why.

I'm going to kill myself. But before you run and get a shrink, hear me out. Not physically, but metaphorically.

The last few years of my life, I've changed. Some good, some bad. But it's the bad that's gotten me the most attention. When I was younger, I wasn't the "cool guy." Ever. I was mercilessly tormented by my peers, and while that's no excuse to what I've become, it's just part of my story. In recent years, I've set goals for myself. I wanted to be a musician again. I am. I've wanted to be a tattoo artist. I am. And now that I've attained those goals, I really haven't thought much past them. What do I want for myself in 5 years? Wife? Kids? Sure, maybe. But I honestly haven't thought much about what happens next. That was my first mistake. And to make matters worse, I got arrogant ad conceited with the fact that I got where I want to be. It's hard for others to appreciate your had work when you're constantly making them aware of it. I didn't purposely do this, but I guess I became jaded with it all.

Everyone tells me about how much of a nice guy I used to be. Always polite, sweet, helpful. But these days I'm a bitter, careless thoughtless asshole. And why? I'm not quite sure. I've been lied to, cheated on, stolen from, treated like shit, left out in the cold and forgotten about. Usually life experiences such as these will make a person appreciate life more, but in turn, it turned me into someone who lies, cheats, steals and works the system to make myself more gainful, all the while leaving behind the people I most care about. I'm a stubborn person, always prideful. I cringe at the thought of asking for help. I believe if you can't do it yourself, it shouldn't be done. In some ways, that's a good way to live. It can keep you motivated and focused. But in other ways, it's just foolish. And I'm a fool.

The last 3 years or so have proven to be a 180 degree turnaround for me. I've grown cocky, obnoxious and self-centered. I have a hard time realizing my own faults, and when someone tried to point them out to me, I tend to buck back at them, and point the finger back, usually dredging up some past incident that's unrelated to the situation at hand, to make myself look better, or less wrong. It's a character flaw that's been going far too long, and I need to stop it. Only one person has really bothered to point out my flaws, not to try to damn me for what I am, but to try to encourage me to be what I should be. And it was this person that I hurt the most, and I lost her for good. Most of you know who I'm talking about, but I'm going to put anyone's name in this.

I've discovered that the last few years, I've been willing to give up having a few great friends to have to company of many superficial friends. Friends whom, in a year's time, I probably won't speak to anymore, friends who'll just be a nod on the sidewalk. I'm going about my life all wrong. I don't know why I was so stupid as to not see it before. I've grown wrapped up in what I was doing, and not seeing the things I should have.

I'm tired of being popular. I'm tired of my phone contantly ringing. I'm tired of having 25 new comments every time I get on Facebook. I'm tired of people texting me until all hours of the night, over things that don't really matter. I'm sick of being distracted by shallow girls who only talk to me because I'm in a band, or because I'm a tattoo artist. I want to get my focus back, and I need to figure out how. As I said before, the people who have distracted me won't read this, because they're already gone. I'm going back to how everyone knows me. I'm sick of maintaining a facade only to have it cause me more problems. Being an asshole isn't how I was raised. I was brought up to be respectful, polite and courteous.

For the people who've been affected by how I've acted the last few years, I'm so sorry. Today has proven to be an epiphany for me. To the people I've hurt in my wake, I promise I'll make it up to you one day. To the friends I've lost, I hope one day we can be cool again. I love all of you, in one way or another, haha.

So ends my "suicide note." Please know that I'm not actually going to kill myself. I'm just going to end the life I'm leading now. If I don't, it could be disastrous. Here's my beginning anew.
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